Eternal Glorious Fountain Ministry (EGFM)
Programme: Sister's Meeting 2022
Date: Saturday, 14th May 2022
Ministers: Reverend (Mrs.) Helen Oyegoke; Pastor (Mrs.) Bola Daniel; Reverend (Mrs.) Stella Ajetomobi
Question Group 1 - For Married Women
In the view of recent cases of abusive marriages, is there a boundary for submission in marriage for a woman who wants to please God? Moreso, what does a believer do when in an abusive marriage (physical and emotional) and physical neglect?
Other related scenarios:
i. A husband who squanders the finances the woman works for.
ii. The husband cheats on the wife sexually and spends more time at the club than at home.
iii. A husband who flirts, is addicted to pornography and threatens to divorce.
iv. The husband who cheats on the wife and infects her with STDs; should such a woman still be submissive sexually?
Answer
The word of God is the manual for how a godly home should be run. Some of these issues are coming up because the foundation is wrong. Even if the foundation is correct, we still have a responsibility to build correctly with the principles of the Lord, to sustain the marriage. One key question to be answered in this kind of situation is if it was the Lord that started and ordained the marriage in the first place. If yes, then we should reawaken our spouse to this reality and seek God for help.
God still shows mercy even when we might have started a marriage on the wrong foundation. God does not cast away those that come to Him (John 6:37), therefore one should be willing to wait for the salvation/intervention of the Lord without having an alternative (Plan B) in view. It is until obedience is complete that disobedience can be avenged (2 Cor. 10:6). Christians are not Christians because they call themselves so, or because they go to church; Christians are Christians because they embody the life of Christ. Most of these issues in marriage come to be because the couples involved are not true Christians as the Bible describes.
Also, we must bring our marriages and lives under spiritual authority. We must not wait for matters to degenerate before we cry for help. In this instance, the believer must cry to God for grace to carry through, and further seek ways to be encouraged and strengthened not to give up. For a husband who is flirting, the wife must pray for such to have an encounter of salvation; God is merciful and He would hearken. Such people mustn't give up trusting God. The use of abusive words or criticisms in cases like this would not solve the problem. It is only by grace that an unbelieving (and misbehaving) spouse can be recovered.
Human nature/flesh manifests itself in various ways; be it a tendency to waste resources or sexual immorality. It is still the same old man and every case needs an encounter of salvation. For one who has a spouse that wastes family finance, it is obvious such one needs help and he is helpless about his infirmities. A wife must acknowledge that her husband has a head and that Head is Christ, and she should pray to Him for intervention (1 Cor. 11:3). The wife should ask for wisdom to handle the situation. Nagging might not resolve the issue, but a cry for help and deliverance would.
We must learn to take matters to the place of authority. We should not take the wrong counsel. We suffer many things because we do not carry matters to God in prayer. When we do, God would intervene with wisdom and help. This process would be gradual; a change might not occur instantaneously — we may go through pains but we should not waste the pains in that season. Every pain we go through should teach us a lesson. We might take on a battle and come out victorious but still have scars.
The enemy hates us; the adversary of our souls does not want the home to work, so we must guard our homes in prayers. As such, people must be encouraged and seek help when the need arises. We must have friends and brethren that we can pray with together, share, and agree together in prayer. We must not be alone. We must have people that we can pray with; we must not go through issues alone. We must also submit to spiritual authorities in every process. We must also not lose hope. We must not use our minds or be sensual if we want a lasting resolution.
Response to Abusive Relationships
Abuse is not instantaneous; it starts with signs. And some of us are not wise in fighting our battles, for example, in the use of words. If you know that your husband is an impulsive or touchy type, patience and humility are the ways to deal with him. Such battles should be fought in the spirit, in prayers. Create an atmosphere where he cannot but relax or simmer down. The Bible says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Prov. 15:1). We should not give room for fights because it makes the enemy happy. Some of us as wives have characters that are not too good as well.
In the case of emotional abuse, God is the only one that can bring one out of it. We have not been given a spirit of fear but of a sound mind (2 Tim. 1:7). When you allow the word of God to dwell richly in you, it is His words that will spring from your inside when any situation comes. We should fight our battles legally by carrying it to where it matters. If you are having an abusive marriage presently, please check the root of the issue. If it is physical abuse, then you must learn to be quiet. You should watch your tone and your attitude.
When Adam and Eve sinned, in eating the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and were accosted by God, and asked why they had done so, there was no apology from them at all. When our husbands complain, excuses should not be the first response, an apology should. We should seek peace. Sometimes, you may have to beg even when you are not at fault, just to keep back the devil from gaining access into your home. We need to die to ourselves. Please let us listen to these instructions and hold them to heart. If it is a case of physical abuse, you should submit the issue to spiritual authority.
Many of these wrong occurrences happen when the marriage was set up on the wrong foundation. However, you should carry your matter to God. Many times, we do not even have faith when we pray to God. We often spoil our prayers with what we say, but we should believe and have faith, knowing that the One who has promised can alter our adverse situations. You, as a wife, can win the battle through a spiritual nature; showing forth the fruits of the Spirit, walking in love, praying and even fasting for our spouse; and God would help and deliver us.
The Church is still being cleansed and washed by the water of the word (Eph. 5:26). We ought not to be surprised or ashamed if these issues are happening among us. That is what Jesus came for. So, if you find yourself in that situation, you should speak up and seek help.
Question Group 2 - For Single Sisters
i. What are the things single sisters should look out for when considering a brother for marriage?
ii. In what way can an unmarried sister prepare herself for marriage?
iii. How do you recognize one whom God has ordained for you amidst others?
iv. In what ways can an unmarried sister prepare herself for marriage? Are there tips that can make her easily found by a brother?
Answers
If you are looking for a sound believer who is to marry you, you must be an example of what you are looking for. Like attracts like. Marriage is an extension of who you are. It is God rewarding you with what you deserve. One of the things that must happen is that you need to walk consistently with God. In this walk, you should take note/study how He deals with you and how He corrects you. God deals with us through His correction. God’s choice for us in marriage (as well as other areas of life) is known through the walk we develop with Him. God speaks to us every time.
When we feel that someone might be our partner, we should take him up in prayers. When you are in the age of sincere decision, you should always ask God these questions in prayer. Ladies have flower ages — a period where they should not allow anybody to waste their time. No matter how much the options are, God can give clarity on each brother that proposes.
Men approach women if they are physically appealing, spiritually strong, or they are intelligent. However, the onus lies on you to know who God is permitting to be your life partner, by staying in the place of communion with the Lord. As believers, we can get a knowing or a clue in our hearts. It is a gift that we have over unbelievers.
Identifying the will of God in choosing a Spouse.
It is the content that gives the container its relevance. We need to be connected to the Source to know who the person is. We are all containers carrying what will be useful to somebody. There is something each of us carries that helps and completes our husbands. God made the man first, then He made the woman and brought them together (Gen. 2:22). Let God bring you and him together.
There is the issue of placement too. There are places you are meant to go and there are places you should not, for your husband to meet you. After praying for a while, we should learn to wait to hear from God. God also uses His voices over your life–prophets; just like the case of Isaac who was not involved in the choice of his wife (Gen. 24). If you believe in the grace of God over His servants in your life, He can use them to direct you. However, they cannot force you. You have to choose to adhere to their instructions. God speaks progressively as long as we are willing to listen to Him.
Faith is definite. There is no ‘kind of’ or ‘sort of’ in faith, that is, being unsure of God’s leading while choosing a life partner. Such attitudes only waste time. They make us eventually miss out on the right person. We need to grow up, especially in our hearing abilities.
It is dangerous when you doze spiritually. The devil will come in when one sleeps spiritually (Matt. 13:35). We have to be aware and alert all the time. You have to keep the fire burning. The devil that did not like you yesterday will not like you tomorrow either. You can backslide if care is not taken. It can also happen to the husband. Satan can attack the men. It is your assignment as a woman to fight these battles. There is no shortcut to hearing God. We must develop ourselves to hear clearly because God speaks in diverse ways. When He speaks to us, we should use prayers to sustain the work God has given both you and your husband.
Question Group 3 - Waiting
i) How do I remain focused as a lady waiting to be found by a man, standing strong, especially in the presence of temptation?
ii) Why is it so hard to wait? How can I wait patiently when the Lord seems to say “wait” in almost everything? Is it okay after waiting to decide not to marry?
iii) Can an unmarried older woman that wants to experience motherhood perform IVF?
Answer
The matter of waiting came very recently to me. There is a "waiting to get married" and there is "waiting for the promise of God". The fallen human nature is hasty. The carnal mind is hasty. The carnal man does not know anything about waiting. We are unable to wait, and as a result, we run into unnecessary struggles. God uses waiting to train us to be able to wait for the will and the promise of God (Heb. 6:13). The years of waiting to get married are not a waste. It will eventually help one later in life, even in ministry. A person who waits well in the place of marriage will be very dependent on the Lord’s directions in other facets of life.
One very important thing is to have a vision: you should have what you are looking forward to (Prov. 29:18). We should be afraid of missing God’s plan for us. The period of waiting can sometimes be like a dark tunnel with no end. But faith in God and His promises would help us stay on the path and see the end of the matter. That faith should give us strength. At times, it may look like God has forgotten but God never forgets.
Satan gives us carnal judgment of time and age to make us miss out on God's promise for us. God is not bound by our age or physical levels. The life we are handling is the life that turned Sarah into a woman that could conceive at old age; He can do the same for us as well (Phil. 3:21). It is the fall of man that brought us into the reality of time. Timing is a problem because we do not know the God we are dealing with–a God that can restore times.
To beat this lack of focus, we need to plug into God’s vision for us and pursue it. Along the line, if we are in the centre of God's will, we would discover His choice for who we should marry. We can even discover other things like the church we should be in. Following the Spirit of God and keying into God’s vision will make us not to be weary. We will get so entangled with wanting to please God, and not even hasten to marry again. Those times of waiting are preparation periods for marriage. What should give you fulfilment is not marriage but that you found yourself in the centre of God’s will. This is why we need focus. What affects our focus is what we see.
Moses saw the invisible; that was why he was able to leave the riches of Egypt to suffer with the people of Israel (Heb. 11:25). He had a vision. We need to know what God is saying to us. We should give ourselves to the hope that God is speaking to us. A person that is looking for marriage and jumps from one church to another lacks focus. But if we are focused and we go about doing what God wants, marriage will be answered. The lesson of waiting is that we will not miss God and that we do nothing in haste.
In this ministry, we do not take decisions in haste; it takes this kind of nature to follow God. When you develop this attitude, you will not run into trouble. So, waiting to get married is not all about marriage. You are learning to wait on God. If it is God telling you to wait, then you should wait. No one has ever died waiting on God because when God eventually shows up, you would be glad that you waited. You are learning things, getting yourself ready, and changing nature, you will not remain the same after the period of waiting.
Question Group 4 - In-laws
i) How do I deal with a mother-in-law who does not approve of me because I married her only son? When she is with me, she praises me. When I am not there, she curses and threatens even via WhatsApp.
ii) As a widow, what can I do about my relationship with my in-laws? They have been harsh from the start. In a bid to make peace, I was confronted with hurtful words and harmful objects. They took properties from me. I thank God because He is our keeper. My last born is 14, I do not know how best to handle this. I have to protect my children. At the same time, I want peace. I lost my husband 14 years ago.
Answer
Unfortunately, many of us got married believing our in-laws are our enemies. One of the preparations we need to make before marriage is to know that you are getting married to your husband to become one with him. Your decision to cleave to your husband should be like that of Ruth; his people will be your people, where he goes you will go and his God will be your God (Ruth 1:16).
If you see your husband as an assignment, then you will see his family as a ministry to minister to. Even if your mother-in-law is a witch, light should not run away from darkness. If you have the grace of God in you, you can cast out the demon. If not, you can win the issues of in-law problems through love and prayers. One of the ways you show that you love your husband is to love his people, especially his mother, no matter what. Some of us already made up our minds about how we will relate with our mothers-in-law, even before marriage. We should also bear in mind that we too would become mother in-laws and we will experience how a daughter-in-law treats or mistreats us.
Those of us who are not married should pray ahead that God should make us daughters to our mothers-in-law and not a wife. We are also going to be mothers-in-law in the future. There are ways to warm our way into their hearts. When you find out what she loves and what she wants, you will know how to relate with her. However, you should not bring yourself into competition with her.
Another important thing is to pray ahead of time because prayers can go into the future to change people. Let us be careful about the things that we are seeing around. If the family is having issues, why can you not see yourself as a light in the darkness? You should show love to your in-laws. It will make your husband love you more. Pray for them and love them. Respect them and honour them. Do not show that you are better than them in any way. You should mingle with them. If you really do not know what to do, you should ask God for wisdom. We just need wisdom to break into their love circle. You can win all the family members unto Christ.
Question 5
How do I manage friendships with males and females? Is it okay to not have male friends as we journey on this path? Is it okay to have only female friends?
Answer
Jesus said that the people who do the word of God are his brothers and sisters (Mark 3:31-35). The household of faith is your family. Every believer is your brother and sister, and you are related by the blood of Christ. Most of the time, we will marry brothers within our circle. We also need to guard our hearts. We should deal with them purely as brothers and brethren. In this age, we should learn to relate well with everybody. But when someone seems to be going a little further than usual, we should ask why. We are free to make friends with each other because we are brethren.
Question 6
I have some infirmities. Does it mean I cannot get married? Is it until I am changed that God can make me a help-meet?
Answer
We marry with many infirmities intact and we often have so many shortcomings. It is when we are perfect that our infirmities will cease. When we get married, we keep changing and growing to make marriage work. However, there is a minimum expectation that we should have before we get married. You should spend enough time growing and developing but you do not have to be perfect before you get married. We should know that change is continuous. God also uses marriage to mould us. There is room for change even from now. You just need to be willing to change.